I started Operation Suck Less 2014™ for many reasons, one being I wanted to have a fun 50th birthday and not a crabby, sulking one similar to my 40th. In that spirit, I am planning the “Yay I’m Almost 50 North American World Tour Xtravapaloooooza!™” an event that is clearly in dire need of a logo. Note to self, cultivate logo skills in the next month.
My Xtravapaloooooza will cover 2 countries and 10 states and will involve, planes, cars, boats, a helicopter, canoe (maybe), buses, lodges, cabins, yurts and more. I will be joined by a sister, a cousin, a niece, more cousins, friends and a plethora of strangers I shall meet along the way. There will be musicals, museums, hiking, swimming, walking atop a skyscraper, concerts and comedy. It will be an adventure fit for a younger version of the old lady reluctantly becoming older that I am.
I have researched each city as completely as possible, thank you Internet. I have all of my options organized in apps. I have reservations where it felt necessary and not too constricting. I never want to plan a trip again let alone several at once.
If this Xtravapaloooooza does not distract me from the fact I will be a half-century-old and getting older, nothing will. Yay 50!!
I imagine some dudes were sitting around having a drink and a smoke when they began laughing at how humans will do anything if they believe it will help them lose weight and become a sexy beast. One thing lead to another, shots were taken, and eventually they came up with the idea of giant-ass ropes that humans will wave up and down earnestly believing that they have finally discovered the magical secret to flat abs and super hero strength.
I bet these dudes laughed even harder the next day, hung over, when they looked at their ideas sketched on bar napkins. The laughs must have continued as they enjoyed a brunch Bloody Mary and one dared the other to actually see if he could get his trainer clients to perform the feat.
And he did, and the client did, and they named this crazy exercise routine the Undulation Ropes. And then a bunch of stuff happened and one day I found myself in the gym standing in front of these giant pieces of poly blended material laughing my ass off. Side note: If only I could laugh my ass off, working out would be so much more awesome. I would take freezing my ass off too but only if it could be done symmetrically.
So I stood there, one rope in each hand, lifted them up and promptly returned them to my side. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I am supposed to what? And this will help me what? And how do I not look like a tool?
Finally I composed myself and began. Legs hip-length apart, ropes firmly in each hand and I used my whole body to slam these ropes down to create a single wave. The exercise is called “single wave” meaning the two ropes work together to form a continuous wave pattern. For me, I created one wave that petered out before it even made its way down the length of the rope.
Hahahahahahahahahaha. I began to laugh again at how so much effort on my part resulted in such a limp output from the rope. I continued and eventually I managed to get a wave formation flowing…barely. Also, flowing was the sweat off my body. So gross.
I was exhausted. I wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor mat like I used to do in kindergarten and take a nap. Only my desire to not make a bigger spectacle of myself kept me on my feet and heading home to my comfy bed.
Surely, this sweat and exhaustion will result in killer abs and melting hips! I want to believe! I am Mulder and the Undulation Rope truth is out there!
My inner Scully remains unconvinced, however. This sweat and exhaustion could be nothing more than a trap convincing us humans that we are totally going to be a svelte beast if we continue thwacking these obnoxious ropes down on the gym floor in a rhythmic pattern until we can no longer move when in fact we are just looking silly for the amusement of others.
Even knowing it is a trap, knowing I look like a ridiculous tool using all my might to barely move these thick, heavy ropes, I am going to thwack again and hope for the best. After all, I am human and I want some fat melt. And until I can actually laugh my ass off, I will undulate ropes and throw in the laughs just for fun.
It has been 4½ months since my crappy text break up. It feels like just yesterday. It feels like an eternity. It was just the right amount of time for his new chick face to sell her stuff and move part way across the country to live with him.
I knew it was coming but that didn’t stop the post in my Facebook stream from feeling like a jolt. Just another reminder, an inconsiderate one, how quickly and completely one can be erased and replaced.
It is a weird feeling being sad about something you no longer want or maybe never actually wanted at all; it is an incomplete emotion but luckily fleeting. She has what I wanted to want but not what I want.
There are things I still miss about him but I don’t miss being lied to and all the nonsense. Change happens at different speeds for different people and I just move a bit slower I guess. I hope he finds the happiness he is looking for…mostly hope…like 95 – 97%.
My greatest love of all might just be Old Dutch Dutch Cruncher Potato Chips. I love them. I love how they crunch, how they taste, how they smell. I even love the greasy fingers I am left with after pounding a bag as it makes my hands feel so soft. They are the perfect thickness of chip with the perfect amount of fake flavor coating. They do not cheat on me, lie to me or make me cry and they are always there whenever I need them. My last meal needs to be a bag of Mesquite Bar-B-Que chips and a piece of chocolate cake. Mmmmmm.
But, with Operation Suck Less 2014 ™ I have had to forgo these tasty morsels as part of my attempt to kick my triangle of death addiction that is salt, sugar and grease.
When I first gave them up in February, it was easy but about a month later I could hear them calling to me from the grocery store begging me to eat them. I had to plan my shopping visits very carefully so I would not succumb to their taunts. I even dreamt about them one night which is rather creepy. The junk food addiction is strong in this one and my body did not know what to do without its familiar fuel. My will power held fast and eventually I forgot about my love and moved on to other less satisfying but better for me snacks.
My will power held strong, until last night.