It has been 4½ months since my crappy text break up. It feels like just yesterday. It feels like an eternity. It was just the right amount of time for his new chick face to sell her stuff and move part way across the country to live with him.
I knew it was coming but that didn’t stop the post in my Facebook stream from feeling like a jolt. Just another reminder, an inconsiderate one, how quickly and completely one can be erased and replaced.
It is a weird feeling being sad about something you no longer want or maybe never actually wanted at all; it is an incomplete emotion but luckily fleeting. She has what I wanted to want but not what I want.
There are things I still miss about him but I don’t miss being lied to and all the nonsense. Change happens at different speeds for different people and I just move a bit slower I guess. I hope he finds the happiness he is looking for…mostly hope…like 95 – 97%.
It is a special kind of torture when you are at a point in your life when you must tell yourself to “let it go” repeatedly and there is a catchy, uber popular Disney song by the same name playing everywhere. Torture.
I have never heard the entire tune, have not seen the movie but I am tormented by the refrain. Maybe if I see the movie I will finally release myself from its musical grasp, but I am having trouble confronting my fear.
I try to tell myself to “let it be” or “don’t worry, be happy” or even “shut up” but I fail and the song worms into my brain. It is ironic that a tune about letting go, won’t let go of my inner music channel. Torture.
I wish I were one of those people that could put something behind them and move on quickly. Me, I mostly do but there is always this remnant that swirls about until one day it miraculously evaporates and fades from memory as if it had never been a thing at all. If only that could happen sooner and on command I would be a bit more at peace.
Side note: this process is true of everything but my resentment for my mother and her pet killing/giving away tendencies. No matter what I try, I have never been able to fully let that go as evidenced by a recent unexpected outburst. I probably need to let go of the notion that I can let that go.
Right now the swirling is about a friend, also an ex-boyfriend, who sometimes is a total inconsiderate tool. I am annoyed. What I am annoyed about is not worth putting down on paper yet thinking about it makes my jaw clench, my eyes squint and my stomach floppy…and my head full of profanity. I am torn between my desire to write a long detailed explanation of my anger to him and the resolve that it would not matter or change anything. It never has.
I remind myself that people make time for what they care about and what their priorities are not for my expectations and the only thing I can control is my response. I tell myself to accept people as they are, not how I wish they would be. I ask myself if this will even matter in a year, a month or a few weeks. I reluctantly admit that I have not mastered the force and I do not control the Universe even though I really should because things would suck so much less for us all, well maybe not people I get annoyed with.
Ultimately, I tell myself to let it go and then suffer through that damn song swirling in my head along with the various remnant thoughts that just won’t give me a break. Torture.
This morning I woke up cranky, sleepy, sore, craving hashbrowns and with a meh Stevie Wonder song stuck in my head; my dreams were so annoying I couldn’t wait to stop dealing with them.
A year ago today I got back together for the last time with my ex-boyfriend and the fact that I am aware of this date and feeling a bit sad just irritates me. Actually, the whole getting back together thing is what annoys me and I wonder why we ever did.
I have regrets. Knowing where our relationship went, or didn’t, makes the whole exercise feel like a waste of time and energy that could have gone elsewhere; it seems to have served the sole purpose of biding time until he could meet new chick face and move on. Well, I guess we did watch every Godzilla movie so there was that, but now I associate Godzilla with him too so that just rankles me.
Having regrets is stupid and pointless and aggravating and more pointless and even though I feel that way at times, I mostly don’t. I guess. I’d have to go all the way back to never meeting him anyway which I don’t want. Pointless.
It just irks me that I still have moments where I miss him. It is tiresome. I am running out of new words for annoying, which is galling, exasperating and chaps my ass as they used to say.
We text but don’t have real conversations and maybe someday I will get used to that and some of his vexing etiquette, or at least not get pissed off or bent out of shape or miffed. Did I use miffed already?
I tried to walk off my morning crabbiness but it didn’t completely work although it did take care of my sleepiness. I managed to eat some hashbrowns, which satisfied my craving and eventually that Stevie Wonder song went away until I just typed this and it is back and that really gets my goat.
I guess today was I was just meant to be in a mood and, after all these years, that I can’t control my mood is really what angers, annoys, exasperates, galls and ticks me off the most.
Today is the anniversary of my fist break up with my ex-boyfriend; I remember the day since it coincides with other days of note. Our first break was not fun but it was easier since I was ready for it, we had an actual adult conversation, it was about his inabilities to deal and I suppose because I was entangled elsewhere not too long after. None of those things are true this time.
I have had bouts of sadness this week and have been trying to figure out what is behind these feelings. It has been 2 months since our text break up which, depending on the day, feels like an eternity or just yesterday, but it has only been a few weeks since we talked and I heard his truth. In some ways I had to start processing the breakup all over again, blending his truth with mine.
Nearly all of my favorite songs, and others I don’t even like much, have a specific image imprinted in my brain and when I hear the tune that image immediately flashes. Sometimes it is as simple as a color, other times it is a vivid scene from my past. “Something In Common” always invoked a distinct image of the day in Philadelphia when I first met my ex-boyfriend. It has always been a happy image but now it seems my subconscious is trying to to make me sick of it as this song has been playing in my mind for about 20 hours now. No matter what tune is playing in the outside world, my brain is spinning this. Stupid brain.
I first saw Free Energy live at SXSW in 2010, then later in the fall at the 400 Bar (RIP 400 Bar, your new location at MOA just won’t be the same) and finally a third time that year in Philadelphia, their adopted hometown after members moved from Minneapolis. This video is reminiscent of each time I saw them in these tiny bars. I am hoping if I play it enough today, my brain DJ will finally relent.
When I decided to finally put all of my various writing thingies under one umbrella, I knew there might be a clash or some confusion with the different types of posts included, as in stories verses personal thoughts.
Posts about My Crappy Breakup and Operation Suck Less in 2014 are mostly personal thoughts, a glorified journal really, that for some reason I thought would be a good idea to make public. These thoughts are those things rattling around in my head that are demanding time and attention and require that I spit them out so that other thoughts have some room to breathe. While true and accurate, they are not complete. It would be impossible to be complete. Seriously, impossible.
A few days ago, my ex-boyfriend and I continued our reconnection with a marathon post-breakup talk; it was overdue but it was a fun conversation and for the most part gave me the sense of relief and comfort I was craving.
The next day, I hammered out a blog post assuming once it was completed I would be able to put the whole ordeal behind me and miraculously find bliss. As I was writing, I became more and more emotional having to stop to compose myself several times. I probably should have paused and just let my feelings settle a bit, but I had set an artificial deadline for myself and was certain once it was met, all would be fine. I should have known better, I probably did know better and was just being hopeful.
Yesterday my ex-boyfriend and I FINALLY talked, 7 weeks after he dropped me off at the airport and would soon break up with me by text; It was weird at first, as it felt like nothing had changed and no time had passed, while also feeling like it had been an eternity and I didn’t even know this man anymore.
Earlier in the day he added me back on social media, I hesitated for the slightest moment to accept since we had not actually spoken, but, true to my nature, I clicked yes and then perused the digital remnants of his last weeks; it was more difficult than I expected.
My ex-boyfriend and I were finally able to exchange emails and he finally shared more information about our crappy breakup. Finally! Of course it was after I had to wait in dread for a couple days feeling like I could puke any second. Ugh.
It was simultaneously easy to read and hard but it was nearly exactly what I expected. I went through a lot of emotions as I basically re-lived our breakup, but the one I am having issues with is anger.